Merry Christmas ... or Not!
The Gift of Presence: Why Showing Up Matters
The holiday season is here, and for many of us, that means figuring out what to do about family gatherings with those we have issues with or don't like. Should we go or not? At first glance, it may not be an easy question. Or maybe it is.
I hear you yelling at the screen, "You don't know my family! My _____ (fill in the blank) did _____ (fill in the blank)..."
Yes! I know. I do understand. There are many reasons not to have that whole family celebration. But is that the right thing?
You may not be surprised to learn that Scripture has something to say about it. What you may not know is that Science also has something to say about it. Let's look.
The Scriptural Foundation for Unity, Forgiveness and Reconciliation
The Psalmist reminds us in Psalm 133:1, "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!"
The Apostle Paul gives us clear guidance in Colossians 3:13-14: "Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other... just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you."
In Romans 12:19-21, Paul tells us: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: 'VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,' says the Lord."
These scriptures highlight and model God's enormous forgiveness and reconciliation, which He expects us to emulate.
A note of importance that may help you understand the concept here. The Greek word translated as "bearing" has the dual meaning of "tolerate." Tolerate communicates more clearly God’s desire for us to strive for peace and forgive others, leaving judgment to God.
Importantly, this command isn't conditional on whether someone deserves forgiveness—or whether we feel like offering it. And yes, this includes family.
Examples of God's Emphasis on Family Unity and Harmony
There are countless relevant scriptures and examples. Here are a few:
Noah's Family Working Together to Build the Ark (Genesis 7:1-7) – Family unity was essential to the great accomplishment of saving mankind.
Ruth and Naomi's Relationship (Ruth 1:16-17)- Shows God expectation of care and unity for the whole family, including the in-laws.
Joseph Forgiving His Brothers (Genesis 45:1-15) – Demonstrates the example of God’s forgiveness and reconciliation toward those who offended us.
The Prodigal Son's Return (Luke 15:11-32) – God’s unconditional forgiveness and reconciliation toward those who demonstrate repentance.
These stories demonstrate God's commitment to family, reconciliation, and forgiveness.
But What If I Can't Forgive or Reconcile?
What happens if we fail to follow God's model for families and society? What if we simply can't bring ourselves to forgive and reconcile as God desires of us? Here are a few scriptures that touch on the issue:
Hebrews 12:15 "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and through it many become defiled."
James 1:19-20 "You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God's righteousness."
Psalm 37:8 "Refrain from anger and forsake wrath. Do not fret—it leads only to evil."
These scriptures warn against the damaging effects of bitterness and anger, which can harm physical, mental, and spiritual well-being and lead to evil (sin).
The Science: Why Coming Together Matters
Modern psychology actually confirms what the Bible has been telling us all along. That should not be surprising as God, the one who created us, is, by definition, a great psychologist. I would be concerned … about the psychologist if they differed!
Positive Effects of Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Research shows that holiday rituals and family gatherings serve crucial psychological functions:
They create feelings of belonging and intimacy
They help reduce anxiety
They provide structure and stability in our lives
They strengthen family bonds across generations
Dr. Dimitris Xygalatas, writing in Psychology Today, notes that holiday gatherings are "the perfect recipe for family harmony" – even with the inevitable challenges they bring.
He writes this despite knowing Uncle Bob will say politically incorrect things, Mom will hurt someone’s feelings by saying something personally offensive, Cousin George will be rude and hog all the conversations, and nobody likes Cindy, who has not spoken to anyone but Mon for years.
In spite of this, studies have shown that the positive side of families exercising forgiveness and tolerance results in:
Better communication
Opportunities for conflict resolution
Lasting positive memories
Emotional security, especially for children
The Negatives of Refusing to Forgive and Reconcile
There are also negative effects when families fail to exercise forgiveness and tolerance. Studies have shown:
Increased stress and anxiety which can lead to greater family conflict
Loneliness and isolation of some family members
Negative impact on children who are hypersensitive to conflict
Permanent damage to relationships
Various mental health issues for family members, depending on their role in the family conflict
Grief that is equivalent to the death of a loved one over the permanent loss of a relationship
In support of Dr. Xygalatas’s observation, science shows that refusing to forgive and reconcile with someone who has sincerely apologized, sought forgiveness, and shown genuine change affects more than just the family. There are often negative mental and emotional results for the individual:
Emotional burden and stress leading to suppressed feelings of guilt, anger, and health issues
Impediment to personal relationships, which can spill over to other relationships outside the family
Spiritual and psychological disconnection often leads to loss of inner peace and mental health issues
God's Design for Mental Health
Isn't it fascinating how modern psychological research confirms what God has been telling us through Scripture?
The Apostle Paul provided a blueprint for mental and emotional well-being that extends beyond the individual to friends, family, work, or even church.
What God Expects of You in Your Relationship to Others:
Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Luke 17:3-4 "If another disciple sins,... you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. And if the same person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, 'I repent,' you must forgive."
Ephesians 4:31-32 "Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you."
God made us and knows what is best for our mental health!
It is not just about how the other person feels but how it enables
us to function as human beings.The Promise of Unity
Peter sums it up beautifully in 1 Peter 3:8, calling us to be "harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit."
These qualities don't just happen – they're choices we make, especially during the holiday season.
This Christmas, whether you're feeling merry or not, remember that showing up and choosing unity isn't just a nice idea – it's a biblical mandate that science proves is good for us.
Your presence at the family gathering might be precisely what someone else needs, even if it's challenging for you. After all, isn't that what Christmas is really about?
God showed up for us, even when we weren't at our best.
The Final Word
Forgiveness and reconciliation, acting gracefully and kindly towards our family and others, is a cornerstone of Christian theology.
It promotes both spiritual obedience and mental health. Failure to forgive, despite sincere repentance from the offender, can result in emotional turmoil, strained relationships, and spiritual discontent.
The Bible strongly supports forgiving others as a reflection of God's mercy and grace toward us.
So, the bottom line is this: Are you going to show up for your family, perhaps even if it's just for the one who really needs it?
Remember, as John 3:16 says: “For God so loved the world [you] …”; And Paul reminds us in Romans 5:10 - For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.
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Citations:
Johns Hopkins Medicine. "Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It." Accessed December 15, 2024. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it.
Worthington, Everett L.; Scherer, Michael (2004). "Forgiveness Is an Emotion-focused Coping Strategy That Can Reduce Health Risks and Promote Health Resilience: Theory, Review, and Hypotheses" Accessed December 15, 2024. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/citedby/10.1080/0887044042000196674
American Psychological Association. "The Role of Forgiveness in Mental Health." APA Monitor, January 2017. Accessed December 15, 2024. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.
Theravive. "The Negative Effects of Unforgiveness on Mental Health." Accessed December 15, 2024. https://www.theravive.com/today/post/the-negative-effects-of-unforgiveness-on-mental-health-0001467.aspx.
Xygalatas, D. (n.d.). The Ritual Mind: How rituals soothe, excite, unite and divide us. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/contributors/dimitris-xygalatas-phd on December 15, 2024
"Scripture quotations taken from the NASB® (New American Standard Bible®), Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. lockman.org"